I had similar feelings, like when driving down the road, i wanted to head into the dangerous flash floods. And when a dr. thought i had a blood clot, i didn't go to the ER like she wanted me to because i thought it would be a good opportunity to just die. (Of course I didn't tell her). My T was a jerk for how he handled everything. He didn't have to handle it like that.

life's to short to be affected what they do.
It gets better after stepping away from it, and you sit back and wonder if what you've been doing is even therapeutic--being in intense pain throughout the week. Your brain is stewing in all those negative emotions and stress, which has to cause disease eventually.