Hi everyone. I wish someone can help me clear my mind.

I am struggling with intrusive thoughts for years. In 2009 I had my first severe bout of them. I was with someone back then and I just remember waking up one morning thinking "what if I hurt him emotionally and be the bad person"? I was off. Thoughts of I don't love him don't want him to touch me, endless crying a constant battle inside, I thought I was going mad. I was trying to feel him more , test my feelings, look at photos even smell his clothes. Whilst I was going through this my intrusive thoughts changed to what if I stab someone or myself, or jump out the window. I was in so much distress I can't even describe it. The urges felt so real. I started not approaching my balcony and avoiding knives. That's when I realised I need help and went to a phycologist but we have never put any labels on what was it that was happening to me.

Fast forward to 2017 and after bouts of intrusive thoughts for my current partner throughout the years, something terrible happened again. I was working in the office and we are on the sixth floor. I am scared of hights. For some reason I looked down the window and got the urge to jump. I always get that in high places. Ever since I am suffering with intrusive thoughts of me jumping out of a tall building. It caused panic attacks, urges, the constant doubt in my head. How did I end up here? Am I suicidal? How? This is the worst I have ever been. I was evaluated and they told me it's OCD. I have started pills and saw a clinical psychologist once so far.. But I am suffering every day. It spiralled so quickly I can't believe it. I can't even look at windows as I am getting urges to open them and my anxiety is through the roof. It's weird for me as before this happens I had health problems and I was afraid I was going to die. Maybe this triggered it? I am so scared. All I could think is I am losing my mind and I feel so alone. Any sort of reassurance is welcome. I don't know anyone who feels like me and don't know where to turn to or if there is any real treatment out there..I understand this might be triggering for some people so I am using the trigger icon.

Thanks in advance and sorry for the long post.