Sorry for the walls of text, I didn't realize I had so much to say.
Tomorrow, I'm probably going to have my first therapy appointment. That is, if the scheduling wasn't messed up. Although I'm not diagnosed, it's pretty clear to me that I have depression and anxiety, as I've had thoughts of suicide, hopelessness, and stress with no reasonable cause for most of my life.

I feel like I need some form of medication to help with my illnesses. If I did get prescribed something, I'd more than likely have to only rely on that for medical treatment, as my family doesn't have insurance and can't afford so many therapy appointments, and the mental health place I'm going to isn't very loose when it comes to scheduling (We scheduled my appointment in like June, and tomorrow's the closest day they could get me. I'm not sure if I'd have to wait that long for my next appointment as well.)

I have two medications in mind that I think would work for me. The first is Citalopram (generic Celexa), which seemed desirable as it works for both depression and anxiety, appeared to work for other people, and is cheap enough that we could realistically keep buying it without insurance.

The second medication is where I might come across the most problems asking for, that being Vyvanse. Vyvanse is most known for being a drug to treat ADHD, but I believe it's been prescribed for depression as well. I've been illegally buying the drug from friends who are prescribed it. The reason for me doing this is because Vyvanse essentially eradicates both my depression and anxiety when I take it. Normally, I don't feel the enthusiasm or enjoyment from my hobbies like I used to. Vyvanse brings back those feelings at full force, and I feel like I can do anything. For me, Vyvanse isn't just a 'happy pill,' either. Someone could still do something to irritate, annoy, or hurt me when I'm on it. It doesn't just make me feel one emotion. The only difference is, I don't constantly think and feel bad about that memory throughout the day, and I'm more able to let stuff go. Don't get me wrong, though. In the beginning, I did just use the pills to get high (although it gives me more of an elevated mood than anything. It's not a drug that'll **** you up like other prescribed drugs such as Xanax or Codeine). Recently, I've mainly been using it kind of as a form of self medication. There are days where I feel so hopeless and am unable to do anything. After a dosage, however, I feel great the entire day, sometimes even a day or two after. Multiple times, Vyvanse has brought me back to life after feeling so dead.

If I were to be prescribed something for my illnesses, I feel like Vyvanse would at least be a good way to start. Of course, I'd have to find out how the drug would affect me on a daily basis, to see if it's just as impactful and practical. Also, if I were prescribed it, my family would have to get some form of insurance to afford it. Although, we probably need to do that anyway.

So here are my questions: How do I handle asking for medication while at my appointment? Can I explain my situation and ask for a specific kind? Should I ask for Citalopram, or Vyvanse? If I did ask for Vyvanse, would it just come off as me looking to get high? Am I just addicted and have a false idea that the drug will bring happiness? If so, how is what I'm doing different than what other depressed people do with other drugs, or what people with ADHD do with Vyvanse? Again, sorry for the long post. But, if you stuck through it, I'd really appreciate your help.