I'm so frustrated with myself and for being sick.

I'm type I bipolar and I've recently become an alcoholic, a pretty severe one.

I lost my job, had to drop out of grad school, scared away the guy I was seeing, and had to move out of my house following a bad episode last year and I got taken inpatient for threatening suicide. I've attempted in the past. I had a BAC level of .39.

I'm on meds and have had to readjust them a lot due to side effects. My doctor won't give me benzos for severe anxiety, though I've never abused them. I used to take one to cope with horrible anxiety, I now pick up a bottle.

I've gotten my job back and I'm back in school. I'm already struggling with both because of mood swings and alcohol use.

I'm wearing the same thing since Saturday night. I haven't showered and I spent all yesterday sleeping. I was supposed to do homework and clean my house. My roommates are upset that I'm drinking all the time. I'm on a month to month lease and I'm afraid I'll get kicked out.

My partner said I could live with him and his roommate temporary if that happens, but I really pissed off his roommate the other day. On Thursday night, I couldn't sleep and was watching stuff on my laptop and getting up occasionally to smoke cigs. I wasn't being overly loud and I didn't think anything of it because no one has ever gotten mad at me for that. His roommate came out and yelled at me for walking around (I was in the bathroom) saying "if I can't sleep, no one can sleep." He's a light sleeper and he's also been mad at me for wiping down the counter when I couldn't sleep. I don't know why someone who makes good money and is such a light sleeper has roommates, but he's really pissed off. Two nights later, I came in from dinner with my partner and went straight to the bedroom and pretended to be asleep. My partner talked to him briefly asking if we kept him up the other night. He's like, "No you didn't, but your friend did. We're going to talk more about this tomorrow." I know this guy pretty well and am mad that he'd refer to me in such a condescending matter. My doctors told me that if I can't sleep, so get out of bed for a bit. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do.

Since I'm up right now, this would be a great time to clean, but after last night, I'm afraid to do anything while someone is sleeping. I slept for 16 hours yesterday, but at least I was sober.

I've had tons of friends cut me out of their life for my erratic behavior. I'm a really nice person and good friend. My depressive episodes scare them.

I talked to my dad the other day and he sounded concerned and asked me to control my vices because he doesn't want me to end up like my aunt. She had a U of M degree and was dead from cirrhosis at 35. I think he could tell that I was drunk. I'm so disappointed in myself and hate what I've put my parents through. My sister died at 21 from an opiate overdose and I went to the hospital 6 times in 18 months. I'm so ****ing ashamed.

I'm trying to cut myself some slack because my diagnosis is extreme. I used to do way better than I am now. I know that I need to be better with medicine, but I forgot to take it a lot. I know I need to manage my drinking, but when I wasn't drinking, the boredom killed me. I hated AA.

I think it'd be easier if I lived alone, but I can't afford to right now. Idk what to do if I get kicked out. I love my partner so much, but am always afraid that he'll get sick of my **** and leave.

I wish that I was higher functioning and am mad at people for not being more understanding. Being "normal" is difficult for me and I don't think I should be held to the same standard.

I'm so tired of all of this. I hate myself and feel hopeless. What can I do?