I have tried to quit thinking about what I want or wanted out of life. This year has taken me so far up and then slammed me down again. In my first major up I made a complete fool of myself acting like I could pick up right where I left off when mental illness hit in my late teens(10+ years ago) I started studying, looking at schools(for my awesome career in medicine) and telling everyone I could about how awesome I was going to be. Then I crashed and realized how stupid I was for thinking I could actually do anything useful now. Working any job always ends up being too much when the depression hits.

My therapist and pdoc tell me the opposite, that it wasn't stupid and that I can still accomplish lots but I prefer not to have hope in that department anymore. It's too painful.

It's impossible for me to completely stop thinking about it (I'm up again and have a bit of obsession with it even though I try not to) and I walk past the place where other people do what I should be doing almost every night. I imagine what it would be like and then I just feel angry. Sometimes I try to ruin my life more because I can't ever be what I wanted anyways. My talents and knowledge are wasted and I would rather not have any. If I was cured or none of this bs had ever happened my life would be absolutely nothing like it is now.

Wow reading that I sound very depressed but I'm really not lol