This is very confusing for me. I'm trying to learn in therapy that it's ok to feel. I'm learning to identify feelings. In the past I would dissacociate. I'm just starting to learn how the abuse has affected my life. I'm learning it's ok to be angry.

When I think of or look at the picture I have of my Mom at 2yrs old in an orphanage I feel compassion. Then when I think of her as my Mom abusing me I feel hatred.

I am not even done telling my abuse stories in therapy. It's been really hard.

I'm starting to feel it was ok, she didn't know better, and I know that's not right. It's like here she is dead and controlling me again. She probably left those pictures for me to find on purpose.

I'm not ready for forgiveness yet. I know I will get there someday, but not now.

I just have mixed feelings.