I think that I'm done with this site for awhile.

It is clear that my time isn't of benefit here. This site has been causing me more harm than good as of late. It is clear that people here don't understand somebody like me and all of the hell that I'm going through.

People and especially women, trigger the hell out of me. I can't deal with all of the feelings that come out when I am dealing with people. I can't handle being rejected, judged, or told off. The negative emotions that I feel when people are like this to me are so overwhelming that I can't cope without lashing out at people. I have an extremely fragile ego and I don't know how to help myself. Even handling criticism is hard for me and it is a struggle for me to hold my composure in a professional setting when somebody criticizes me. Doing so with people on a personal level is borderline impossible for me.

When I talk about my business ventures and everything and I claim that succeeding and making a lot of money is the only way that I will attract people; that claim isn't being made just because I have some ill conceived notion that I would be better than other people, nor am I thinking less about women because I have a desire to use money to attract one. I am like this simply because I don't see it being possible for me to repair my fragile ego. As such, I crave power to hide behind. That way, if people reject or judge me, I can hide behind my money, fame, or whatever to protect myself from the pain.

So yeah, if I stay here, all I will do at this point is hurt myself further because I am triggered by people here telling me how I need to change or whatever. What do you guys know? Do any of you know how much I hurt? Does anybody know what it's like to never be taught how to survive as an adult? To be locked up against your will by a controlling mother crying yourself to sleep every night? No? Than what gives you guys the right to judge me? I'm the one hurting. I'm the one who is lonely. I'm the victim. I don't know how to change. I can't just get to a therapist when I am so freaking busy with my schedule since I'm gone 11-13 hours every day and I don't have a license yet because my mother was useless in that regard too. Even if I could make it to therapy, I can't face all of these painful feelings that I keep bottled up. I know that you have to face your problems and negative feelings to change, but I can't right now without risking losing everything that I worked hard for up to this point. People don't understand that I can't go through the work and struggle to do this all on my own. I don't think I should have to either when it is my mother, the mental health system, and society that made me this way.

So I think I am going to do the one thing I should have done all along. I am going to avoid dealing with people like the plague for all non professional purposes until I succeed in my online business that I'm launching next week. I need to keep my head on straight for me to have the greatest chance of success and I need to be ready to do anything necessary to succeed, even if I have to sink to a new low to do so. Once I am successful and am able to make good money, I could perhaps then, try to devote more resources to healing. Until then, I have no energy to spare.

It is clear that no human being will ever love me or sate the emptiness inside of me. All this site does now is brings me more needless pain. If I'm not triggered by somebody liking another person's post over mine or hugging them instead of me, I am triggered by seeing people talk about their happy relationships and how good their life is going when I'm utterly miserable or telling me how I'm wrong and need to change when I don't know how. People here don't understand me here and I don't know how to communicate my feelings about this further because that is another thing my mother failed to teach me how to do.

So yeah, as it stands, I'm taking an indefinite break from PC. I can't handle the pain that other people bring me anymore.