A really good session:
I was a minute or 2 late. I didn’t like that. I had a lot to get through and knew I’d need the full time. Ugh. I got there, down the stairs button pushed and sat down. You came right out. I apologized for being slightly late. You said it happens. You headed back and I followed. When we got into the room, you noticed that the carpet needed adjusting and you fixed that, I closed the door. We got sat down. Hi .. hi..how was your weekend, too fast. I said mine was … not sure now what I said. I told you that I started taking the boost dosage of Wellbutrin and I was feeling much better. That I started Friday morning and my Sunday, I was feeling better. Now some of it might be the party being done and one less thing on my plate. I do believe the Wellbutrin is playing a part. I said that we have a problem with this plan, that I have only 1 more pill left. I proceeded to explain what I had been doing and we discussed how to deal with it. You agreed to write me a prescription for the 150 XL dosage. I told you that I’d like to try it for just like 60-90 days as a trial boost to get me back to some stability and maybe through enough of the couple’s counseling to get a feeling as to how things will go there; as well as whatever else might be going on with me. You wanted to know why the limit. I said that I didn’t want to be on any of the medication but I also don’t like feeling like I was. I like feeling better. You said that you think of medications as molecules of kindness we give ourselves. I guess. Still would rather not need them.

I talked briefly about game night and talking with a friend about our relationships and our therapy as she is going through a program as well. I shared with you the places where we were experiencing similar difficulties of us changing and growing and our partners not. It was good to share with her… she kept commenting on how much better I was looking, while at the same time, I felt she was a lot more relaxed than she has been.

From here I started reading things from my journal. You didn’t say a lot during this time period as I kept going when you did say something. I read to you about trying to figure out who is in charge of the city of Elio. How I talked through with a few friends to determining that this part seemed to be from the divorce years and was looking for boundaries as a way to show love and yet autonomy at the same time. I read to you about my realization that the “Because I can” reason/excuse wasn’t enough. It didn’t say what I can do… which what I can do… really can do is choose. I talked you through my thought process that lead me to thinking how a part of me is choosing this behavior, this self-destruction. I shared with you how later, how I talked to this part and I told it that it has just as much right to the city of Elio and just as much right to choose and how I’d support it in whatever it chose for us to do. You asked something here and I continued to read the next part about food and grocery shopping and how in this new mindset, I didn’t choose to eat out, I walked away from both options I offered this part.

We then talked about this stuff as a full topic. You made the comment about me being in the present moment when making the food choices, which reminded me of the Buddhist saying my friend had shared with me – if you are going to chop carrots, then just chop carrots. I said that when I tried to explain being in the present moment with wife, she didn’t get it. I told her that there was no tomorrow or yesterday, that when she said she didn’t like something, I stopped and that should make it better. That there wasn’t any added stuff/baggage to stuff. Peaceful to be in that space. A little weird because of the silence and being used to so many thoughts.

I returned to talking about feeling like this part is from the divorce years, I told you the story about the time I left the house without telling anyone after one of my parents stormed off. After I finished it, I reiterated how last session when I told you about hurting my body and you agreed that you couldn’t stop me, a part of me wanted you to stop me and a part of me would have been very angry had you tried. I wanted you to… someone to care about me enough to notice, to tell me it wasn’t ok, to stop me… you said set boundaries. I said I didn’t have that. I needed it not because I was out of control or misbehaved. I needed it to know that someone saw me, someone cared about me enough to intervene in my life in some way. I didn’t have that at all.

This lead me to telling you about the first summer of the divorce years when my parents sent me to spend the summer with my grandparents because they thought I couldn’t handle the fighting. You asked if my brother and sister stayed at home. I said yes. I said that I found out later that my dad moved out for a little bit that summer too. I continued to tell you about the situation at my grand parents – how my grandfather was an alcoholic and was drunk the entire time, how my grandmother worked M-F day shift with a 45 min commute each way. My uncle lived in a single wide trailer in the back with his girlfriend. I told you that they smoked a lot of pot. I said I drank that summer, I wanted to say a lot but that is too vague so I said like 2 or so drinks every couple of days. I said that I hung out with my uncle and girlfriend a lot while they smoked pot but I never smoked pot. You asked me why and we went off on a tangent of this story. I told you about what happened with my aunt and how she had… well I was the oldest girl and she had only boys. I used to go stay with them and I had a close relationship with one of my cousins. She got mixed up with using pot and left the family, left me. I don’t think I have it anymore, but if I can find it, I’ll bring in a towel that was the last thing she made for me. I had it, I knew where it was, up until the last … well I think when we moved to this property in 2007. She used to make things for me all the time, mostly clothing. We had to downsize a lot so I’m not sure if I let it go then or not. You said no wonder marijuana is a triggering thing for me. I didn’t do anything bad here for her to leave me. Pot is bad, that was the message I imprinted in my head about the entire event.

My alarm went off and I said out of time. You said that there was still time to write the prescription. I paused, and probably did some non-verbal queue because you paused to go do the prescription and you came back to me. I didn’t go back and finish the story of that summer, instead I had something else I really wanted to talk about. I looked for the section in my notes. I said something about being nervous/uncomfortable about this topic. I told you about trying to reach the little boy and looking at the books at goodwill. I reminded you how I first responded to the books about mommy always loving the child was full of anger, then it shifting to believing those books just lie. I said that I didn’t have this response this time. I read to you the journal entry about always loving mommy and asked you if it is ok if a part of me always loves a part of you as mommy. You said yes, so softly. It was a yes. You repeated that yes, it was ok. I felt so overwhelmed. I said thank you. I was flooded with relief, couldn’t really think. I think you asked me how I felt, I said that I was glad that it was a yes. I tried to take deep breaths but it was just wow. And I felt loved, so loved. I asked if you’d be ok if it went away. You said you would. I said I didn’t want it to go away. You said that you believe that love never goes away (changes yes). That love is stronger than pain (I think you said this). I talked about it being so slow of a process. You said yes, the slowest and painful procedure, without anesthesia. I was still fumbling, you were ready for me to say I love you… I was still lost in feelings and physical sensations. You said that you’d get that prescription written and got up and went to your desk. You wrote the prescription and showed me about the coupon place, that I promptly forgot the actual name of it. I wasn’t tracking that well. You came back and sat down. I said I love you, you said I know. I said thank you. I said stuff about Thursday. You reminded me that it would be Thursday morning, so not as long to wait.

Somewhere in here we talked about the email on Sunday. You went to make a comment about your line “And … I know!”. I told you about me missing that line the first time I read it and my thought process around it. I said how I thought hmm odd she didn’t respond to it after I asked, that is not like her, maybe she misunderstood what I wanted, she wouldn’t not respond to it just because. I told you that I went and reread my email and how I thought, yeah I was pretty clear what I wanted. Then I went and reread your response and I saw the line. I told you how it made me smile, shy/bashful. I said, how’s that for trust? It seemed like you had a positive response to it.