I should preface this that my insurance got canceled and I have had to screw around with my med dosages to make them last longer because I am not going to have insurance for a few weeks.

Most of my life I have sought the approval and companionship of others, I beloved that it was through their support I could move my life to a better place. This morning I see how most of the people I considered positive forces in my life have left me when I am no longer putting on the fake happy face that I have learned so well from years of working in the service industry. I do not know what they see when they see a less filtered version of me, but they certainly do not realize there is no parallel between what they see occasionally and what I see every day of my life.

It has been shown to me that to depend on the companionship and support of another is a dangerous crutch that will give out any day. Possibly it is a sign of weakness that I have not more independently managed my life. Years ago it was explained to me that my brain does not work like that of most people. There are many functions expected of me by society that are a struggle that never ceases. The harder I fight to be that person that people want to see the harder it is to wake up the next day to know it is time to do it again.

After reflection on what causes the most pain in my life I feel it is time that I pursue a life mostly of solitude. Allowing myself to be who I am and without the confines of expectations. There are a few things I have to finish in my current path before I can remove myself from the world I have created. Once I have achieved the nessesary goals to live a comfortable life I plan to end contact with all those in my life who do not accept me.

This thread was titled with the feeling that others think that the inconvenience of my unsteady behavior is worthy of contempt. These people do not understand that is what shows through to the outside. Inside that slight wavering is an endless jumbled scream that never stops. Living in my broken mind,and viewing the world through my eyes is pure pain.