Apologies if I repeated this post. I have long suffered from a disturbing fetish/fantasy since I was a kid; medical fetishism. I think it started over an ill concerned doctor role play with someone I thought was my BF. I have this reoccurring desire to be fully resuscitated with all of the emergency room equipment used on me to save my life.
I apologize if this is disturbing it has eaten me up for years and has caused severe relationship issues due to my BDD and OCD that are involved. I remember when I was younger having to leave the room when someone was being defibrillated on tv because 1. It cause my anxiety level to go off the charts as my own heart would palpitations and 2. In a twisted way I would become aroused imagining that I was the patient being worked on.
Professional wise it becomes more strained when I have to be certified in cpr and Stef; I get nauseated and dizzy during such trainings only to later fantasizing myself in a scenario.
I have a theory that tv and the media may have propagated such scenes in a sexual what subliminally. The patient is vulnerable, their chest is bared (which has always been a BDD hang up of my own) in front of a group of people working to save them etc. again sorry if this is a trigger tesponse but I felt the need to get it out.
This fascination has overruled my better judgement on occasions as after I got divorced and was extremely lonely and vulnerable I joined s chat room that centered on this topic and I began to look into the possibility of engaging in edgeplay...somehow my thinking was if I hooked up with these people and acted out the scenario I may finally be freed from this heavy weight of an obessession that I have been carrying around all these years. I guess it would be my own sort of exposure therapy to diminish the intensity of these disturbing thoughts. however somehow I was able to regain my composure and restrain myself from going all in. That said that hasn't diminished the recurring intrusive thoughts over and over again.