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pachyderm: Good advice -- if advice is ever good. But from the point of view of someone who needs help, how is he or she to find someone who meets these criteria?

There are probably two essentials factors a therapeutic relationship must contain: the first is skill, the second is fit. Therapists (I'm referring here to the full range from the counselor to the psychiatrist) come in many shapes, sizes and skill levels. Some of them are absolutely horrible and their fellow therapists know as much; others are exceptionally skilled. Most are somewhere in between those two extremes. I've occasionally joked that finding a good therapist is a bit like going on a number of blind (and very expensive) dates. Trouble is, even if a therapist is skilled, that doesn't mean they'll "fit" and "fit" is probably as important as skill--maybe even more so.

Just as in the dating and mating department, some people get lucky, they find a good fit early in the game. Others have to try and try again. It can get discouraging and as always, it's expensive. We can try to discern a good fit as based on therapist's reputation but an initial interview is probably going to be necessary as well. Usually, we'll have to pay for that interview, although I did run across one therapist's website who will give you one hour for free as an introductory interview. I imagine a therapist like that is too busy to accept more patients.

How is it possible to lead someone who doesn't already understand these points to adopt them in interacting with a needful person?

You could always print out the above, hand it to your current or potential therapist, and say, "This is what I need/What I'm looking for." Some therapists might be offended, others might appreciate the opportunity to honestly talk about your relationship and how it can be improved. Ideally, a therapeutic relationship goes both ways--you learn something from the therapist and the therapist learns something from you.

However, as I've also noted elsewhere, it can be helpful to pull together a support team. That team could include a therapist but it will also include family, friends, and peers. Hopefully, someone in that entire team would be able to address your need to feel that your experience has been heard and understood. That person may not be your therapist!

I didn't work professionally with anyone, but I did find meaning in the work of professionals such as Maureen Roberts, Anne Baring, R.D. Laing, Clarissa Pinkola Estes, John Weir Perry, Carl Jung, etc. A therapeutic relationship doesn't have to be one in which you sit opposite each other in a cozy office somewhere, rather, it's a relationship with anyone or anything that helps. My relationships with friends, peers, family members, books, websites, music, tonglen, and Silence were also therapeutic.

That said, I would honestly have to say that I didn't feel heard or understood in probably 95% of my relationships with other people. We have to find a way to come to terms with that, hopefully in a manner that won't leave us feeling victimized. When it comes to schizophrenia or psychosis, we're already talking about an experience that is relatively rare, it only affects 1-2% of the population. That means roughly 98% of the population cannot personally identify with it. As we go along we get better at identifying where the good listeners might be found. We learn to shut-up in the vicinty of those who can't and we also learn to respect that the most important listener is probably ourselves. What others hear only validates our own experience. I concede that if can feel invalidating to not be heard.

I do not discuss my personal experience with most of my friends, family members or casual acqaintances. They don't understand; they have no similar experience they can draw from in order to understand my own. I do discuss it in more general terms with those who may have gone through a similar experience. Every once in a very rare while, I'll connect with another human being whose experience is very similar to my own and that's always therapeutic--even if they're not a therapist.

See also: Choosing a Competent Caregiver