they dont want me to go to the hospital... my family..

i dunno.. my dad doesnt understand mental illness...
i live with him and a friend of his that also doesnt understand...

they say they have lived with struggles all their life and i just need get it together pretty much...

my dad just keeps saying i need jesus and need to pray and it will all be fine...
that its just because i dont pray... and stuff... but im not a rude person or anything, im the most docile person you would see until i get triggered or whatever... which i try to hide as much as possible... it usually hits me in a way where i just shut down completely... sometimes i black out which has been happening more often...

i try to explain that im.... sick...
its not my fault... i try so hard not to be like this...
try so hard not to be depressed... or have anxiety... or anything..

i think im still going to try to go though... i think that it may be the only way out...
go and lock myself up... let it all fall out... stop hiding everything...
i just dont want them to do anything bad to me in the hospital because i am not a bad person... i just have so many demons...


its not my fault...