Thanks! I do see a pdoc, since February when my first antidepressant sent me way off the deep end and they sent me to the psych ward.

I definitely know what you mean about the quick changes and rapid cycling really sucks, I'm sorry to hear you are dealing with that. On my second antidepressant try I was going up and down several times a day which lead to drinking then quetiapine because I wanted to quit drinking after spending a night blacked out and waking up in a cell with no clue how I got there or what I had done wrong. Apparently just really suicidal and explosive behavior that couldn't be stopped. Then I quit the quetiapine because I was tired on it and went back to drinking and of course history repeated itself but my husband was still there for me when I got out the next day so I agreed to go to a voluntary psych home which was much better than the locked ward.

They put me on bupropion after I detoxed and I like it. I have only had one week of depression since then, almost 2 months I have been on it. But I also hadn't been eating for a month because I was extremely sick and pms was mixed in there too lol. Other than that I have been super happy and it seems like only other people have a problem with how I feel. I feel great and I dont want it to change. I have spent way too much time depressed and after what quetiapine did to me I don't want the stupid mood stabilizers again.

My pdoc didn't want to diagnose too quickly which I understand and he said the possibilities were depression, bipolar or borderline but my therapist said he had discussed it with her a few weeks ago but I didn't want to hear the words. They already say it every time I'm in the ER even though I DON'T have a diagnosis! I keep having to tell them that I dont know where they came up with their info. I already know what they will say but a diagnosis is permanent and I keep hoping this is all a big misunderstanding, that all the crazy thoughts I'm having right now are just me reacting to the possibility of bipolar and I'm not actually hypomanic or at the start of a manic episode like my therapist says might be possible.

Husband is mad this morning because I didn't go to bed and I have been out walking in the middle of the night every night. He says he is worried but we live in a small town and I maybe see like 2 cars and 2 people the entire time I'm out and I laughed and said I'm the scariest thing out there anyway. He didn't like that, I guess he wanted me to be serious but it was seriously funny. Why would I want to give up laughing and feelings of overwhelming joy because everything around me is so amazing. I think they all just want me depressed again so I lied and didnt tell my pdoc about any of my symptoms at our last appt. But I went to therapy yesterday and told her the truth once she promised not to talk to pdoc. I guess if he phones I will know she's a liar but hopefully not. I feel its pretty responsible that I am being honest with her and my husband and they should just be happy with that.

I'm not sure which of us is rambling more lol but it sure feels good to finally have people to talk to who understand even if I'm not ready to take the diagnosis.