Today’s session spun off in a very different direction than I was expecting. I told R about the christening, and she seemed to get that I’m not overly comfortable with the church environment.

We talked some more about how I faltered with ‘Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.’ She asked what it was about that line that triggered me, and I said that I wasn’t sure, but I felt it had something to do with the fact that I don’t yet feel ready to forgive. ‘For the sake of my...recovery, I have taken forgiveness off the table for the moment.’

Then we talked some more about the repercussions of my trying magnesium for sleep, and the more recent experiment with Bach flower remedies. I explained to R that I appreciate people trying to help, but they need to understand what is going on in order to be able to do so.

I told her about being concerned that I would end up having to watch Casualty, and we had a conversation about how I find it difficult to articulate my own needs. ‘The fact is, not articulating my needs got me into this situation.’ R helped me see that articulating my needs in terms of not wanting to be exposed to an episode of Casualty is very different to articulating my needs in relation to this situation.


At one point, I said to R that I knew how the situation would turn out. Every time, it was ‘Why the **** are you doing this to yourself, and to us?’, and yet I knew that the situation in which she found herself was ‘not compatible with life.’
‘On a different level, that’s kind of the situation in which I find myself now....this isn’t compatible with life.’ [I chose my words carefully, even though I know that R is unlikely to assume the intention behind them.]
‘I just don’t know how to let this huge emotion, this...loss out. I don’t want to drown other people in the process.’

‘I get the sense that you feel other people will be affected by what you tell them.’

‘I just didn’t know what to do with it...’

We worked out that I felt, and continue to feel lost. It will take some work to ensure that the barriers are ready, so that I can safely let all of this out.