I believe my obsessing with my T has more to do with wanting more of what she provides for me in my life and lacking stuff from my childhood. I don't want my T to be anything than what I see of her in those 4 walls of her office; which does include maternal transference. In one way, I do feel very dependent on her. I don't look for her to solve my problems.

I love her as a T for what she is providing for me. A part of me sees a part of her as mommy and in those moments I am most dependent on her. It is a longing and a need that seems so basic, so fundamental that I can't put words to it. I don't even really understand it because outside of those moments, I manage large IT projects with little to no problems. In those moments, I have felt things like
- tell me I did a good job picking out matching clothing
- I can't cross the road without her

It is changing for me. This last time when I was in one of these moments, I was walking to the store and I felt more like it was the first time mommy let me to go to the store on my own. I was a little scared because I didn't want to mess up and it is a big world, I was excited to be out on my own and that I was trusted to do an important task. All these feelings were with her in mind as mommy.

So, I am not in love with my T; however, love is a component of the extent she has permeated my daily life.

I hope this helps.