THIS MIGHT TRIGGER SOME PEOPLE ************************************** SEXUAL CONTENT **************************************************************************
*****************************************************************
i don't want to offend anyone or say something that i'm not supposed to. i tryed not to be to graphic. this is pretty much the only place i think will be safe to talk to about this.

i been trying to figure out what my sexuality is and where it comes from. i was molested and raped when i was a kid. when i was older and i was a teenager i went with men but mostly because i needed a place to stay and i was afraid of being alone. the idea of being with a woman never came into my head cause i never thought a woman would want to be with me cause of all the stuff that happened when i was a kid made me to gross and a woman wouldn't want to touch me. my mother didn't really ever hug me or want me around much and she said i was dirty so i thought that how it was.

the first relationship i had was with a guy. i was 15 or 16 and he was in his 40s. i thought that i loved him but he was abusive. he ended up putting me in the hospital is how it ended. i was in jail for a few years and i had sexual relationships with men there to.

after i got out of prison i had a relationship with a woman. we were both alcoholics and she was abusive to. we never had sex. she used to yell at me so much i'd get to nervous and i couldn't.

i didn't do anything for a long time until i met the woman that i'm marryed to know. she's been really good to me and she made me comfortable enough to have sex with her. it is still really hard for me sometimes even though i love her very very much.

i get afraid that i will hurt her by accident or i'm to ugly and she'll hate me or she'll think i'm dirty a lot of different bad things go through my head. i also have a lot of bad scars around my privates from some of things that happened and i don't like for her to see that.

we got a son now and been marryed awhile and i been in therapy for a long time and more and more stuff is getting jogged loose in my head. and i told her recently that i sometimes think about having sex with men. she didn't take it as good as i hoped she would. she was afraid that i was gay and i wanted to not be with her anymore but that's not how it is. i want to be with my wife until i die but its all really confusing.

she's been really accepting about helping me figure things out. she is open sexually and sometimes she uses toys with me and stuff like that but she worrys that i don't find her attractive sexually like a husband should think of his wife. i think she's the most beautiful woman in the world but thinking about having sex with her or thinking about her parts to me is being degrading to her so i don't think about her like that.

things go good off and on. its pretty much just me being confusing. sometimes one thing that is ok with sex is not ok the next time and i don't know why.

then everything changed a few days ago. we went away for the holiday and stayed with some of our friends who are gay. after talking and drinking for awhile we ended up all fooling around together. our friends our are both guys we took turns giving each other oral sex while my wife watched then me and my wife did it while they did.

i really liked it. my wife said she liked it to. we known them both for a long time and i trust them and we're both comfortable with them. my wife said she don't mind if we do it again just she don't want me having actual sexual intercourse with them but she said touching and oral sex is ok and i don't want anyone touching her at all. she's ok with that.

i really really liked being with all of them and having that experience together. it made me feel really comfortable and good about myself. i felt like they all liked me and thought i was good looking. i never really feel like that. but then afterwards the next couple days i started to wish i didn't do it cause i'm afraid of being gay. i know that being gay is ok and that its natural and nothing wrong with it but i don't want to be gay cause i'm marryed and i love my wife and love our son. there my the whole world to me and i don't want to ruin that and i don't understand why i feel the way i do.

i know that people are born gay and you don't choose if you're gonna be gay or not and i really really don't want to offend anyone but do you think its possible that i have sexual feelings about men because i got abused? and another thing that scares me is the thing that really really turns me and can get me off is thinking about being hurt. it scares me that i think about this and i try not to but sometimes when i mastrabate i think about being raped. and sometimes i wish that my wife would slap me and pull my hair and do stuff like that. she would never do anything like that so i ain't even asked her (but she gonna know now cause she's gonna read this)

sorry i put so much and sorry if i said anythign i shouldn't have. i don't know how to say a lot of this stuff and i don't mean to offend anyone. but i really want to konw what other people think. if what i'm feeling is ok or not.