I have never done physical self harm, but I have destroyed myself in so many other ways. Most definitely drinking, which would lead to impulsive and extremely reckless behavior. I've been to jail ( alcohol related), I've slept with this person after telling myself I wouldn't (luckily never a stranger), but I put myself in compromising situations often and had been taken advantage of. I knew it, but didn't stop. I had no recollection of what I did regularly. I was a bartender, so there was no lack of alcohol, and it's an industry that promotes or almost requires heavy consumption of alcohol. Bad behavior was highly encouraged. It made others feel better. Almost everyone I worked with has mental or substance abuse problems.

I would get healthy, happy, and then the cycle would repeat. I wake up ashamed, guilty, hating myself. That would cause me to drink, and the cycle would repeat until I hit stability. Mania increased the recklessness, the ADHD allowed for no impulse control, depression just decreased the reckless behaviors mostly, but only because I couldn't leave my bed. It wasn't until I met my husband and got properly diagnosed and medicated that the recklessness ceased. The adderall helped as well. I no longer feel the need to drink until I black out, although if I pass a certain point, I will. I just have to stay away from certain people and places that are triggers.

Boredom definitely increases it, so does guilt. Now, I find hobbies that I get obsessed with. It consumes me, but I'd rather recklessly build, redecorate, garden, etc. than see myself in that place again. Lately, I've been mixed and I can feel myself slipping into a deep depression. I'm going to see my doctor to increase the lamictal and adderall. I think it's too low of dosages, and I'm seeing decreased effectiveness.

It's cheaper to see your psych or therapist than drinking a ton and/or going to the hospital. I would try to do that. I would also try to find things to occupy your in the meantime. No two people are the same and I don't know your story and struggle. I just hope this helps as you're not alone in certain ways. I hope you resist the self harm and that these feelings subside quickly.