Another 5 months has passed, I still think of her every day and night. Iv not been the same since therapy, and feel no matter what doctor I see, or specialist they just dont get it.

Im writing a update now because I feel alone, yet I have a partner, and children. I try to get on with things during the day but I dont feel good about anything. My mind switches thoughts of my therapist, what she is doing now, death, time, and how I remind myself that she would never had been right for me and vice versa.

She got to see the worse side of me, that being my most negative, in how I view the world. I can only image what kind of things she was saying to herself, maybe even verbally once I was out of her presence. What has linked me to her so much goes deep, and am convinced it has little to do with wanting to have a relationship with her. Its almost an addiction to something that is bad for me so Im hurt then in turn I need saving from it.

When I had asked to see her on my last session her last words resound in my head often, the words "it would be toxic" then a complete shut down on the topic. Of course she was right in the mind set I was then. Who wants to be with someone that wants their own needs met? Was I being selfish to want to see her, in a way yes, but then in my mind I wasnt thinking what she could do for me, it was what I could do for her in truly being myself. I wish I could shout out her name, but I cant, but hope one day she comes across this thread, and know its about her.

One day I hope to report back that Im over it, but even If I dont I dont want anyone who reads this to be a indication of how long it may take for them to get over it, everyone is different.