i dont wanna go to the hospital...
i just want everything to be ok, why cant everything just be ok?
i dont want to be locked up... my mind is fighting me..
i just wanna get some weed... weed makes me happy
its always been there for me since i was 13 years old..

i just feel so trapped... that new therapist i talked to that 1 time i told i said i felt trapped and he said its no wonder you feel trapped because you are and i didnt know what to say...

he said its no wonder you are looking to disability as a way out...

he said a lot of things and i never went back to talk to him again

its so hard for me to get in touch with my case manager because i dont have a phone... and my dad has been leaving every day to go babysit my niece...

left her a message yesterday though saying i need an appointment come in and talk because things arent well... i dont want to talk over the phone...

i want to talk to her about a lot of things, about making plans to leave the state even... go somewhere i can get medical marijuana since it does help so much and all of the other medications fail...

im just so torn... feeling like if i go to the hospital i might can have the resources available to get things done that i need...
but i have had so many bad experiences with "professionals" helping me and not listening to me...

im afraid, or not so much afraid... but just feeling that if i go to the hospital this time and they dont listen im going to lose it and they're going to see the inside of me...
because im so broken and down... i dont like anyone seeing the inside of me... i dont like the nasty world that exists in side of me... i dont like when the outside world and inside world collide... it causes so much pain and anxiety...

i cant stop the conflicting thoughts... the conflicting dreams... the conflicting ideas...
being pulled apart...
at a crossroads i guess... and i dont know which road to take... or which car to get in... or who to listen to... who to trust...
i cant even listen to myself... trust myself...

im so null and empty... am i a demon..?

i would give up if i existed... but i dont feel like i even exist... so whats the point in giving up anymore...