Why can't I just be normal?????? No one likes me, I don't even like myself. I don't take care of myself. I ask for advice even though I wont take any of it. I set limits and then break them without concern. I can't do whats right for myself or my family. I lie often to avoid getting the help I need. I wrote down everything I needed to tell my pdoc to make sure he had the full story and then ripped it up right before my appt. I spent the appointment lying and imagining that he liked me in a very unprofessional way instead. I'm out all night, barely sleeping, dancing until I'm falling over, speeding and I just about caused a car accident a little while ago. I even fantasize about getting arrested again like wtf thats messed up but I like bad stuff. I told myself when things got bad I would get help but every time something gets worse I change the definition of bad. I dont want responses I just want to let this sh** out and this feels like a good way to do that since I only talk to my husband and therapist and I cant say it to them(obviously because then they might offer more help!)