I feel like I'm about to explode, yet no sound can come out of my mouth. I cannot stand to look at myself or my problems, even though I know it's the only way I can get through them. I want to avoid me at all costs, so I sleep all day and numb myself whenever I can't sleep anymore. I know I can't keep this up because i'm unemployed and need to find a job. I'm worried I'll lose whatever next job I get as fast as I lost the other ones because of various stigma and symptoms over mental illness and sexual orientation. I want to self-harm to alleviate this pressure building inside me, but I know better. So the pressure just builds. I don't want to eat at all, because besides seeing myself as fat when most call me skinny, I most importantly find that not eating brings me the most illusion of control over my life, and is also the most efficient way to numb myself (short of alcohol and drugs, for which I also know better). People life and society insist on shoving adult relationships in my face; i can't stand the thought of being owned, accountable, or otherwise chained to someone. I can't stand the thought of sex. I'm glad other ppl can enjoy the thing; I wish they'd let me pretend the whole thing doesn,t exist. I can't get better without confronting; I can't confront without tearing myself apart. i feel useless and guilty for not doing anything productive for myself while getting unemployment benefits. i feel too sick/anxious/depressed/useless to do anything about it. there is no one i can speak openly to and the only close people in my life actively hurt or harm me rather that help, or at least remain neutral. I feel like I'm a lost cause, like there is nothing left inside of me worth saving anymore. I guess my question is: where in this bloody life do I start?