hi kioko,
i've been in therapy for 17 years now. when i started i was pretty young and new into dating and when someone would cheat on me or threaten to break up with me i'd consider dying. i don't know if this will sound like success to you but there's been much improvement over these years. i was on paxil and klonopin the entire time to treat the symptoms of anxiety and depression. i've needed a lot of psychotherapy and continue once or twice a week now. i don't feel the fear of abandonment nearly as much as i used to but it's still there and rears it's ugly head from time to time. i've had major setbacks when someone close to me has died and felt like i moved major steps backwards. i'm sure because that's the ultimate feeling of abandonment, huh? although the meds don't treat the personality disorder they do help tremendously with the symptoms of the disorder and that's what we need in order to do the inner work of bearing those childhood feelings that we've pushed away and integrating and becoming whole. my abandonment issues started at a very young age and they say that if stuff happens before the age of 3 that it's a long process and can take considerable time to heal since it happened during the preverbal years. i can tell you my behaviors that would ruin the relationship have calmed down and are almost non existant now. the jealousy and paranoia used to drive them away. i was always so desperate and needy. now, i still need a lot of reassurance, more than my current bf can give me but instead of taking it out on him and being destructive, i can usually hold the feelings on my own and realize that i'm "doing it again" which is remarkable for me since i was always so impulsive with my reactions.

i'm not sure of your history or how long the process will take, but i can assure you the only choice you have at this point is to go on the journey and take it one day at a time. without treatment, it only escalates and gets worse with age. and you don't get away with it as easily as when you're young.

i hope you get the tx you need. feel free to pm me anytime you want to chat with someone. i really get it!!!

susan