I almost got a full-time job at a PBM, CVS Health. It was a desk job. Higher pay. Only having to deal with people on the phone and following prior auth cases. I had all the right credentials. Pharmacy experience, education, good references, including a friend who already works there. The interview went great. The follow up phone call was great. It seemed like everything was looking up for me at last.

The only thing that thwarted my chances of getting the job was a personality test/data entry test that I had to do right after sending my job application. Apparently they’re not allowed to hire anyone who got what they deemed a “failing” score. Which is what I got. The score will stick with me for 6 months and it will prevent me from applying to any positions similar to it until 6 months have passed.

I got a call back from them saying everyone was surprised by the score and they asked if I had any technical difficulties with the virtual job tryout. It seemed like a last ditch attempt to help me out. It was so tempting to say that “yeah, my internet connection isn’t great, it must have exited the test early...” or something. But honestly I have no reason to believe my score was due to any technical issues. And I was never very good at BSing anyway.

So I ended up telling them that unless they can see whether sections of the test obviously went unanswered, then it’s on me. I don’t recall any technical difficulties. I was nervous taking it like I always am in test-like or interview-like situations, which probably contributed to the score. It is what it is.

Anyway, I feel a bit hopeless now. My self-esteem is shot to hell. I’m neck-deep in debt so I really could’ve used the job. It’s going to be a primarily instant noodle diet for a while. My stomach is rebelling against the cheap and unhealthy food I now have to limit myself to. I feel nauseous often, I have almost no energy, and can’t concentrate very well which negatively impacts my work, and my daily functioning. Which will result in errors, and more angry people, more chores at home left undone, and then me falling further into a pit of depression. Just the thought of completing another job application feels like trying to climb a mountain.

I feel like I try so hard, and it’s never quite enough. Why bother.