My Support Forums - View Single Post - Why Invalidating My Bipolar Invalidates Me

Shleigh · Sep 15, 2017, 03:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tryingtobehappy5

Thanks! I do see a pdoc, since February when my first antidepressant sent me way off the deep end and they sent me to the psych ward.

I definitely know what you mean about the quick changes and rapid cycling really sucks, I'm sorry to hear you are dealing with that. On my second antidepressant try I was going up and down several times a day which lead to drinking then quetiapine because I wanted to quit drinking after spending a night blacked out and waking up in a cell with no clue how I got there or what I had done wrong. Apparently just really suicidal and explosive behavior that couldn't be stopped. Then I quit the quetiapine because I was tired on it and went back to drinking and of course history repeated itself but my husband was still there for me when I got out the next day so I agreed to go to a voluntary psych home which was much better than the locked ward.

They put me on bupropion after I detoxed and I like it. I have only had one week of depression since then, almost 2 months I have been on it. But I also hadn't been eating for a month because I was extremely sick and pms was mixed in there too lol. Other than that I have been super happy and it seems like only other people have a problem with how I feel. I feel great and I dont want it to change. I have spent way too much time depressed and after what quetiapine did to me I don't want the stupid mood stabilizers again.

My pdoc didn't want to diagnose too quickly which I understand and he said the possibilities were depression, bipolar or borderline but my therapist said he had discussed it with her a few weeks ago but I didn't want to hear the words. They already say it every time I'm in the ER even though I DON'T have a diagnosis! I keep having to tell them that I dont know where they came up with their info. I already know what they will say but a diagnosis is permanent and I keep hoping this is all a big misunderstanding, that all the crazy thoughts I'm having right now are just me reacting to the possibility of bipolar and I'm not actually hypomanic or at the start of a manic episode like my therapist says might be possible.

Husband is mad this morning because I didn't go to bed and I have been out walking in the middle of the night every night. He says he is worried but we live in a small town and I maybe see like 2 cars and 2 people the entire time I'm out and I laughed and said I'm the scariest thing out there anyway. He didn't like that, I guess he wanted me to be serious but it was seriously funny. Why would I want to give up laughing and feelings of overwhelming joy because everything around me is so amazing. I think they all just want me depressed again so I lied and didnt tell my pdoc about any of my symptoms at our last appt. But I went to therapy yesterday and told her the truth once she promised not to talk to pdoc. I guess if he phones I will know she's a liar but hopefully not. I feel its pretty responsible that I am being honest with her and my husband and they should just be happy with that.

I'm not sure which of us is rambling more lol but it sure feels good to finally have people to talk to who understand even if I'm not ready to take the diagnosis.

It helps to get it out, and I think that is why everyone is here. At least I hope so. For a long time, before I was able to recognize, in retrospect mostly at the time, that when I was manic or hypomanic, I thought the exact same thing. I wouldn't be on meds. I was extremely productive, active, healthy, happy. The, depression would hit. I thought I was "normal" the other time, and I did/do have bouts of stability, but I recognize now that it was definitely mania.

Who wouldn't want a release from the depression. It's agonizing, lonely, desperate, guilty, shameful, loss of motivation and care for yourself and even others. I am not sure if the schizoaffective is a proper diagnosis. I don't get delusions of grandeur, or feel invincible. I've never had a psychotic episode. I have had intrusive thoughts, and I often wonder if I have bipolar coupled with OCD. My mom severely suffers from it and it is absolutely debilitating. I don't know how she does it. She is often on the verge of a breakdown, and it has only gotten worse over the years, despite constantly seeking help for it.

I get not wanting to accept the diagnosis. It makes it real, and it almost like a death sentence knowing that it means that bouts of depression will reoccur. Like you said, who doesn't want to feel great? I am often up all night, because I obsess about what needs to be done. Some are hobbies, some are housework, and work for my career. Then, after a long time, my body and brain just give up and me. I know it's coming, and no matter how much I try, the depression happens.

The lamictal has helped a lot with the depression. It doesn't focus on the mania too much. I believe that it just needs to be increased, and I just have to stay away from the people and places that are triggers to me reckless behavior. Again, that's where my husband helps. He's almost always there, and I actually like him and like that he's around all of the time. HA!

Just be careful with the antidepressants if they try to prescribe them. It can propel depression. A lot of the meds that they suggested, and or gave me, had extremely terrifying side effects, such as a tick that never goes away. I refused those. I was on Lithium, but that only lasted two days. I was passing out and the room kept spinning. I would wake up in the middle of the like that. It felt like being in a vortex if that makes any sense. I went to urgent care and was passing out during the examinations. I stopped immediately.

My point is, keep in mind the diagnosis in case you see a different doctor. You don't want to end up prescribed something that will exacerbate the symptoms, especially the depression. I am glad you found something that is working for you! Keep at it. You will be alright.