So disappointed in myself I just keep stuffing my face with all this cr*p I'm not supposed to eat that's making me ill. Sigh.. But I guess all I can do is keep peeling the onion, trying to figure out why I do this..

I've now recognized some of it is my way of rebelling.. When I was a kid, no one listened to me being absolutely scared to death of my dad. So I think eating is my way of flipping the bird to my mother for not protecting me, not 'saving' me from him.. It's also something at least that I can control myself.

Then if I go deeper, I recognize that at its very core, my disordered eating is probably about having been SO alone - stuffing my face gives me comfort and also numbs my emotions.. But now I think I need to recognize, face, accept and deal with those emotions about having been so alone.. I can do it I've learned a lot about how to deal with emotions in therapy. I've just been scared of what I'll find, that maybe I won't like myself anymore.. But I just need to commit to accepting myself with all of it, exactly as I am. No emotions are bad! And maybe I just need to release them..