You aren't a bad person. You have a mental illness. Again, this doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you a person with an illness.

Our condition causes our minds to work against ourselves. Just like a physical illness (e.g. diabetes or thyroid disorder) makes our body work against itself.

The consequences of this condition might be more severe/external to ourselves than physical illness. But that doesn't mean you don't deserve the care of others or to care for yourself. Now is a good time to let that happen. There are people who want to do that for you. Please consider seeking out one of those people until you find her or him.

As others suggest, please consider printing your post and taking it with you to a mental healthcare provider. This way you don't have to feel like you are asking for advice, or to worry that your words are failing you in the moment. It's there on the page, and it's you being you in this moment.

I hate taking advice too, it threatens my sense of excellence and self-sufficiency - which might be overinflated depending on my current mental state. We all need the help of others from time to time.

Take good care, please keep us updated.