> alex, it sounds like your T is just not an "email guy,"

Sigh. I think you might be right. He had trouble with his emails and it took him about three months to get his router sorted out (or whatever). The fact that it took him three months to get his email access up and running again does kind of suggest that he doesn't email a lot, though, huh. I'd be going %#@&#! crazy if I couldn't access my emails for that long!

> and you are going through a lot of angst continually wishing he was and trying to make him into something he is not.

Well... I guess it remains to be seen whether he will turn out to be good via email or not. I know I was sounding pretty hopeless above... But he actually sent me quite a nice email last night :-) So... Now I'm feeling hopeful again. He has actually given me something to work with. Something that I can quote little bits from and respond to. We will see...

> Can you take advantage of what he does offer instead of trying to change him and being frustrated when he does not send you the "perfect" email response?

Ouch. I don't expect perfection. I do expect... Acknowledgement. Some kind of 'I hear what you are saying and appreciate that you are trying to tell me the hard stuff'. Thats all I require. I wouldn't have thought that was too much to ask...

But... I will have to see whether emails will work out or whether they won't work out. Part of my really wanting them to work out is that email will be the PERFECT way for us to stay in touch when I'm out of the country. Time difference (and expense) will probably make phone too hard. Email would be perfect... And if the time difference isn't too much... Possibly skype... But he might not be into all this that is true. And I will have to be accepting if he isn't. I think he is trying... Just a little bit hopeless.

Maybe I need to be gentler? I really was in a foul mood yesterday...

Feeling MUCH better today.

I got my new computer :-)
And I'm going to a party tonight which should be a lot of fun :-)
And therapist emailed me and said that he WAS committed to me - but that he had never emailed a client before and was having a bit of trouble figuring out what to say... That he doesn't do message boards and stuff, and he isn't sure what it is supposed to look like...

I wuv my t again
And the world

:-)

And especially... My new computer

:-)
:-)
:-)

> It is interesting that you say your face to face self is different than your email self. Can you try to lessen this dissonance and just be the "real alex_k" no matter what form of communication you are using?

I guess I think... That they are all legitimate aspects of me. It isn't that one is a facade or inauthentic or anything like that. It is just that they have different faucets / aspects to them. I guess that ideally some of their skills and abilities would generalize across settings. But it is hard stuff. I guess I'm trying to integrate via him. Via his getting to interact with the in person me and the work me and... the internet me. All the different aspects. Not many people in the world see more than one of those... Though the lines are blurry at times to be sure.

Part of it is about courage, I think. I can express anger / frustration etc better by email. I can get out the hard stuff better because he doesn't have to see me hanging my head in shame. I can think carefully to make sure I express myself clearly. The time delay is terrific for my impulsivity. There is a lot to like about emails...