What I've read is that masturbation is a normal thing and nothing to be ashamed of. If you were punished for masturbating as a child that could have been part of the abuse and could have intensified your symptoms of posttraumatic stress disorder. If you are tense and anxious and have flashbacks from childhood abuse, perhaps you are using masturbation to relax a little. You need to get some professional help so that you can get some meds to help with the anxiety and flashbacks and counselling would be helpful, too. Anything you could do to reduce the tension....hopefully you'll find a way to be able to afford some professional help and find ways to pay for it or to qualify for free care.