Well, my last bad spell I was abusing adderall. I had convinced my primary that I required more than I needed and it had to be immediate release. I would use it to feel better when depressed, sometimes even triggering hypomania. Then at night, I had trazadone for sleep but even 150 mg wouldn't bring me down far enough unless I added alcohol. This was not a healthy cycle and finally spooked me enough (was starting to see a junkie in the mirror) to come clean with my primary.

Before that, I would drink when depressed because it would let me stop thinking about all the stuff in my life that isn't as good as I would like it. I drank and watched Netflix or Amazon and all my attention was on the screen. It's like it put my subconscious mind to sleep. Zombies have no regrets.

Staying sober right now. Closing on 3 months. I have tried to quit 4 or 5 times and got stupid again each time after 6 to 18 months. I would convince myself I had proved I could handle it now.