Feeling down again.

I've spent most of today feeling sick and throwing up twice. I haven't been able to eat properly either for a few days.

Today also happens to be the birthday of the last guy (M) I was in love with. His birthday is one day before mine. I will officially be 26 on saturday and I don't really know how I feel about it. Last year I wrote in my journal"that it was my birthday yet I wish I was dead" . Getting birthday messages from friends made me feel worse because they went on about how great I was. I'm sorry for being so morbid but I guess I still feel the same way. This has been one of the worst years for me. I don't feel like I've actually achieved much in this year. It's hard to run my own race and not feel so stuck. Others girls in my year are already settled down and having children. I feel the same yearning I guess, but I'm doubting what kind of parent I will be if I struggle to look after myself at the best of times. The idea of childbirth scares me but I guess I won't exactly even have to worry about that when my most significant relationship has been with a stuffed bear.

The exam that determines my fate is on monday and right now more than anything I wish I had my mother to comfort me or my baby brother. I don't want to be on my own, not when I'm in this state. I wish there wasn't miles between us. I want to cry but I don't have any tears left.

Whilst we're "friends" again I don't think I will message M. It hurts to have to forget him. What do I actually even want? To prove that I still remember without being reminded- that I actually cared. He broke my heart when he literally walked out on me just before I figured out how I felt about him. But he threw away all of what we had, because he didn't like the feeling of getting attached to someone. Someone like me I guess.