Sorry it took me so long to get back to you guys, I was not really that busy, but surrounded by busyness of others at xmas time , and not able to log on.
Junerain, Pachyderm, here is another way to describe how I feel... there are millions of different ways in which to see the world out there in front of us, and one of my problems with life is that I haven't been able to decide on the right way to see it yet. So, because of not deciding how to see things, it is like there are all these different wavelengths in my head, all in competition to give me different versions of the same information. Therapists tend to think I'm a basket case, the weird crap that comes out of my mouth. Its amazing to me sometimes that I can even put a logical sentence together in a conversation. The end result of all of it is it feels like I am completely alone in the world, like there is no possibility of finding anyone who could relate to me. If I appear agitated when trying to explain myself to someone, it is the agitation of someone caught in an invisible trap, a trap woven by my own thoughts, and thus apparently inescapable. But deep down, I feel I am not crazy at all, I think I am just like every other person in the world, just looking for a way to feel not quite so alone.
I can distantly remember a few scattered times and instances when I could see vistas of happiness stretching out into the great forever. It has been so long since I have had such an experience though, I am not sure I know what even the word happiness means anymore. I have tried to determine why it no longer seems possible to feel such kinds of emotion. I think its because I dont trust anyone or anything anymore, and in fact I cant even trust my own mercurial sense of self. Sorry if this reply to your kind words is somewhat of a downer, but on top of it all, I feel that the other inhabitants of this world are mostly suffering from versions of the same basic syndrome as myself, but are unaware of it, and are thus frequently as unhappy as myself, and just as unable to access the experience of non-aloneness. In other words, I dont know if I have ever met someone who did not seem trapped behind a wall as impenetrable as mine. I would love to explain myself more, I am afraid of my tendency to monopolize the subject sometimes though. But anyone who wants to respond to anything I write, I will always try to continue the conversation, it feels good to hear from people