Today's session was awful. I don't think I can gather my thoughts enough at the moment to document exactly what was said but I am going to write my sessions down from now on because I'm seriously concerned that they are causing me more harm than good. I've been sick all day, pretty much as a result and need to go to bed to get some rest.

I can only think that he must have been having a bad day or have something else going on. He was the opposite of how he was last week. No warmth or care. He seemed very disengaged with what I was saying. I tried to bring him in a few times but nothing. I spoke about some very difficult subjects (SI & sui thoughts), which he interpreted as me being angry, he actually seemed pretty cold about it. Afterwards I was in a complete state, though I did manage to get in touch with the anger and rage I feel for him.

I don't think the alliance is working very well. He used to seem much more flexible in his thinking but now (and for a while) seems very dogmatic and rigid, to the point where I ask him for help (literally) and he says nothing. What is most agonising is the inconsistency of care, one week he's nice, kind and warm the next he's emotionally cold. This connects back to my past experiences and he will often pick up on this but why am I having to deal with it again now? I wonder if the term 'countertransference' is simply a green light for T's to be s*it?!

My plan is to document the next few sessions, with a view to ending if it continues the way it has. I think we may be struggling with differences that are never going to be resolved.