How wrong we can be at times. My GP, Psychiatrist, & psychologist know that I have been struggling with not eating for months. I finally got down to a weight that was ok with me & would eat just enough so that I could work & train on my horses along with working at the ranch to help pay for the board bill. I was kinda proud that I had succeeded in not letting the ED get control. What I didn't realize was that the weight I was at didn't give me anywhere to go if a problem arose, & that is just what happened.

My Mother had cancer surgery in June this year & just before Thanksgiving, I had her put into the hospital because I thought that her infection needed to be controled by IV rather than oral. I knew she couldn't come home & live alone like she had been doing but that brought on a big fight. Once she was in the hospital, they started treating her for all other things & she started to go down hill rapidly. I found out later that the oncologist & social worker tried to insist that she go to a nursing home but she insisted that I was going to take care of setting up home care for her. During the time she was there, no one let me know what was going on with her even when I asked questions, & I was introduced to an oncology RN that was a neighbor of my mothers boyfriend & his daughter. She assured me that she could make everything go smoothly but I still wanted to talk to some professional nursing care providers. Unfortunately, I found out 4 hours before my mother was to be discharged that she was to be going home. I also found out that the RN had called the social worker & told her that she was my mothers home care RN that would be taking care of the 24 hr care that was needed. I felt trapped at that time & felt I had no other option (how stupid could I be???). My Mother was sent home by the hospital caravan since I had prior commitments & the RN was there to settle her in. I trusted her since my mothers boyfriend & daughter said she was so pationate about caring for cancer patients. The 5 days that followed were hell. It went from everything from filled out checks that had to be stopped to identity theft, to having the police called to my mothers house to accuse me of elderly abuse. The 4th day, I started looking for new nursing care, but it could not be put in place that quickly & they suggested that I keep the RN until I could get someone else. I felt like I was living through a nightmere. The paramedics were called & I later found out that the RN had given my Mom too much morphine telling her that it was imodium for her diahera. She made it through the ER, & I had her transferred to the hospital where her doctors were. She was in there 2 weeks, & I stayed with her 24 hrs a day to help with things the nurses couldn't, & to be with her to talk when she needed it. I finally broke down & asked my Psychiatrist for something for stress since I wasn't sleeping & was up every couple of hours with her pain. All I could do was take care of her & everyone was telling me to be sure to take care or myself, but the first thing that went was the food. I knew I needed the strength, but just couldn't get any food down. I finally have her in a wonderful nursing home that is taking better care of her than she got at the hospital. Once I got her settled, I ended up collapsing & am now in the hospital under the diagnosis of asthma so I can stay until I get better. I was surprised that the doctors told me to go to a spa to recooperate...I asked them if they would give me the spa time for a christmas present (that just got a laugh). Their other suggestion was to go home & get rest there even after telling them that I have 11 barking american eskimo dogs that do not know the meaning of quite & rest. I finally got my GP to admit me, but have not been able to eat for weeks with all the stress. I find it very interesting because the GP's think that my psychiatrist is doing the help along with my psychologist & yet, the weight is continuing to go down. The GP said she would get a nutritionist in to talk to me, but I'm not sure how that is going to help since it is everything I know anyway. The nausea is unbearable which is also stress & that doesn't help food go down either.

I know what I need to do, but it is seems to be even more of a problem when I am totally exhausted, emotionally upset at not knowing how many more days my Mom will be alive, & dealing with the police reports that I have to file continually. Never in my live I would have thought that something like this would have happened in the life of a simple family that actually has no real money other that to provide for my mothers care at this time of her life. It has been a trauma that seems to be ongoing & being an only child with no one to lean on other that a husband that is not that good at this kind of thing, I have a feeling of helplessness since the pastor of my mothers church warned me to back of on the police issue of my past issues of depression, etc would come back to haunt me.

I know this all seems like just a story that was made up, & to me is is a nightmere that wish I could wake up from some day, but it just never happens, & the more I don't eat, the worse I feel & the harder it is to think rationally.

What a way to start the new year.