I think I care for him, but I do not feel love for him if that makes sense. I care more about what he will do if I leave. Will he hurt himself? Will he hurt me? This person is my children's father, one of the most important people that will ever be in their lives.. and I am scared they will forever hate me if he did something to himself when we left. If we leave, he will have nothing. I see this as a dangerous place to be in.. He has no money, no job, no home, no family willing to put up with him and I guess in some way, I feel responsible for him.
He has hit me in the past, has raised his hand to me lately during arguments and grabbed my wrists etc.. But I think that's purely because I don't react the way I used to when I wasn't on medication. If he was horrible to me back then, I would cry, try to leave and say things in return. Since starting medication, it doesn't hurt as much, I just stay quiet and walk away basically.

I know in my heart it is over, we are still together because he won't leave and I'm very anxious to go to the police and possibly turn his entire world upside down. I know that I will leave when I am ready, I just need to boost my confidence up.

Since concentrating on my past abuse with my mother, it has helped a lot in the fact that I can see the repetitive behaviour and how he acts just like her. It helps to know I'm not crazy and that this isn't all just a coincidence.

The providing situation hasn't improved either. Maybe even worsened? He worked about 4 days cash in hand last month and gave me 300 dollars total towards bills. Not much compared to the 2.5k I pay out monthly and on top of that our shared vehicle got repossessed.

I don't know much about healthy relationships as iv never had one, but I know I too love my children more than their father. I can only imagine how things would be when my children are older.
My oldest daughter has began to confide in me how she feels about my partner. She is not his, but she calls him dad as hers has not spoke to us since her birth. She tells me he says spiteful things and tells her to be ashamed of herself for silly things that are in no way her fault.
That right now is the main thing I am concentrating on, whether or not he loves me or my 2 boys.. He is not going to destroy my daughter the same way my parents did me. I am working on leaving, just trying to find the right way that I can feel confident in my decision and that will have the least traumatic effect on my kids.