I may have mentioned this before...I don't honestly remember.

But I think I finally came to agreement with my wife and partner on what I want to do that is okay with all of us. Personally, I am learning I can handle the hallucinations, especially since I have shifted my view and relationship with them. Them watching the TED talk video about the woman that came to terms with her voices really opened all of our eyes to a different view of this. I believe that my upcoming CBT will further help me work through these.

What we all agreed on is it's the delusions we want to keep at bay. Those are what are really dangerous to my well being. It appears that keeping my dose of Zyprexa at a low 5mg is keeping them away. Keeping the side effects lower with a lower dose is very desirable to me. I really do not want to be on meds at all, but if I do, I want it to be a small amount.

I realize striking a balance is more important than trying to smash out all the symptoms. Risperidone did an excellent job at killing all delusions and hallucinations...at the cost of a load of side effects that I believe are worse than the illness they're treating.

My intense stubbornness and headstrong ways are something that has mixed results in my life, but when I am showing these traits is when I am most like myself when healthy.