You're obviously an intelligent person who is suffering from depression. Your self esteem is in the gutter. You need to take care of yourself and pick yourself up. Do you take an anti depressant? You need to see a doctor about this depression and try the pills.

Take this from me, someone in the same emotionally ill state as you. I am trying. I want to be well. I want to be giddy and I sure don't feel guilt about being happy. We are supposed to be happy. We need to make ourselves happy.

Depression is a biological illness. Please help yourself. I help myself. My problem, is I keep falling back in the hole. Hugs.