sincity, so much of what you wrote is familiar to me so I'm going to reply very carefully. I have the utmost sympathy for what you're going through and while I don't have all the answers, I want you to know that I understand.

First, not everyone is born gay. Most are, but some become gay due to their sexual history. It's the nature vs. nurture thing; some are gay due to nature, others are gay due to events in their life. I, for example, do not believe I was born bisexual but due to molestation I am now. I'm ok with this bisexual identity but I also have to acknowledge it's origin. I should also state that all of these issues are something I work on in therapy and I highly encourage you to do the same.

To this day I find my sexuality confusing. Here are my issues:

- Like you I am married but I am attracted to men. I have fantasies about them, etc. The strength of these urges varies and I feel I'm slightly more attracted to women.
- I am very needy when it comes to physical attention (I need the validation and to be touched to feel loved). My self esteem also seems somewhat dependent on physical attention.
- I use toys to satisfy urges that I don't allow myself to go outside my marriage to satisfy. My wife knows about and approves of this but has chosen not to be involved with it.
- I worry constantly about how my sexual needs might be hurting or objectifying my wife (even though everything about our sexual relationship is very normal)
- I've had periods where I struggled to be faithful
- I've had periods where I wished/fantasized that I could be female (mainly to be wanted by men sexually).
- I've had periods of cross dressing.
- I have sexual fantasies that feature being hurt or controlled by another. I'm extremely submissive.
- In my late teens I was extremely promiscuous.

Again, all these things are issues I'm dealing with in therapy but there is some good news. Some of this stuff is fine! Sure, a little outside the norm but who cares? You have a partner that seems to understand and even tries to cater to some of your unusual desires. That's great! That's a very healthy outlet as long as you both feel ok about it. My suspicion is that, in the end, healthy for you will mean a very developed understanding between you and your wife about what you both need and are comfortable with in bed.

What worries me a bit is the incident with your friends. In some very rare cases an arrangement can be worked out in which this sort of thing is ok. But in MOST cases unexpected emotions emerge and these group sessions undermine the core relationship. This is true even when both parties communicate thoroughly about their expectations, feelings, and so on. But the truth is, most people don't communicate that well and then it's truly doomed from the start. For example, if your wife doesn't really like this but is trying to accomodate you, she's already starting this situation in a pretty negative state. Aware of it or not, this negative equals a small amount of distance and loss of true intimacy between the two of you. This negative can grow and fester, it can turn to hurt and rejection and jealousy, and can end a relationship.

In light of all of that, I have chosen not to pursue this sort of thing in my own marriage (oh how I wish I could but my marriage is too important to me). I can't tell you what to do but for now, that's where I'm at.

As for what you are? Up to you, really. You sound bisexual to me but what the hell do I know? I'd say look into your own heart and you'll get an answer to that question.

I hope this was helpful. Believe it or not, it was actually kind of helpful to me to hear someone out there is so similar to myself.

PM me if you like.

Good luck and be safe.

Cyran0