Hi, everyone,

I'll preface this by saying that I'm sorry for not responding to others' threads. Some part of me wanted to wait until I could be more articulate, and be up to par with what someone better than me would say. I'm sorry.

At any rate, the reason I'm posting today is because I've hit "rock-bottom," and I don't know what to do. No one IRL knows, because I've gone out of my way to act "normal." And, in truth, there are times when I'm at peace - happy, even. My apathy and exhaustion are waning, and yet, I can't stop hating myself. I can't stop thinking what a horrible person I am.

Deep down (and I don't mean to offend anyone by saying this), I know I'm weak and indulgent. There are people out there who are much, much sicker than I am - much, much more depressed than I am - and who are holding onto life. Even when I'm happy, I feel guilty, because I shouldn't feel that way. I don't deserve to feel that way, to be giddy. And, no matter what, I'm reflecting on the things I've done ...

Perhaps the most disconcerting thing is that the suicidal ideation is really bad. I've hit the point where I'm making plans, and I don't think I can hang on anymore. I hate myself too much. I don't deserve to live. And yet, part of me is scared. I don't know what to do.

If I was feeling braver, I'd call a hotline, but I have social anxiety, so that probably wouldn't help. Talking to my parents probably wouldn't help, either. I can't see that going well. I suppose I could check myself into a hospital, but that feels ridiculous - especially since I haven't done anything to myself. The last thing I want to do is take away from people who are in greater need ...

Which is to say: if anyone has any thoughts, I'd very much like to hear them. I'm sorry to post about myself so much, but I don't know what to do anymore. I just don't know. And I'm sorry.

- Singin' In the Rain