Hi everyone,

I need some advice, or maybe just to vent.

I think I might be depressed, but on the other hand, I think I may just be faking or exaggerating my feelings.

I've been thinking about seeing a therapist, but I worry I might waste their time.

I always see these things about depression where people can't go to work, can't get out of bed, don't eat, can't shower or change out of their pajamas. And, well, that's not me. I get up for work everyday, I eat (more than I should), shower regularly, etc. I do live with my parents (I'm 28) so that's mostly why I do everything I'm supposed to. My parents would not allow or approve of me skipping work to lie in bed all day and I try my best to keep up appearances so they don't see how I'm feeling.

So I feel like I probably don't have depression because I can do all the things I always see as something people with depression struggle with.

The problem is my thoughts. I completely hate myself, have almost no self esteem, no confidence. I consider myself dumb, stupid, lazy, and a failure. Most days I wish I was dead. So here's the other thing. I know I will never commit suicide - I couldn't do that to my family. But.. I just wish I didn't exist. But is that considered suicidal thoughts? I don't really think so since I have no plan and will never go through with it. So I think maybe it's not a big deal? Like.. I'm kind of guessing it's kind of a normal feeling?

I've "self harmed" a few times... but again it's not bad and it's not traditional cutting. I feel like such a poser and embarassed to even relate what I've done to myself as self harm. I have a long distance friend who I know struggles with self harm, and I just saw her for the first time in real life a few weeks ago. I was shocked as she had dozens of cuts on both arms. And all I could think was how pathetic I am. Like how dare I say that I "self harm." Sure I have some marks on my arms that haven't faded away yet in 6 months, but it's not a big deal. Can I even call it self harm if it's not cutting with a razor? I don't know.

I just feel like... I have a good life. I have a job - granted I hate it and stepping foot where I work just sucks the life out of me. But most people don't like their job right? Nothing to complain about there then. I have a place to live - I mean it's with my parents and it's because I can't afford to pay rent on my own even though im 28, but it's free. And that's more than a lot of people have. So nothing to complain about there either. I was lucky enough to go to college for free because my parents paid for it. So.. everything in my life should be good. People would probably be lucky to have my life. So.. I can't complain.

But.. at the same time I'm just miserable with no reason. Some days are worse than others. Some days I want to just die so bad. I need to get a better job but my low self esteem tells me that I'm too stupid to do anything besides retail and besides I'm too much of a failure for anyone to want to hire me.

That was a big, jumbled mess. But basically.. is it stupid of me to be thinking I need to see a therapist? Would I just be wasting the time of a professional who could be helping people with real problems?