I talked about the phone call with M. I was feeling embarrassed and needy for taking him up on the phone call offer (we are no contact in general, but our system so far is that if I have a hard session, he'll tell me to call that week if things go in a bad direction, but I never have)

But he said he was proud of me for doing it. He said "see how you reached out and got yourself out of crisis with a little twenty minute phone call, instead of isolating and being destabilized and unsafe all week?"

It's something I do a lot. Made me think. I feel like I isolate to further punish myself and prolong the pain, ensure that I don't feel better-- like being in crisis is where I belong, it's what I'm used to, that I don't get to have a productive and flourishing life. Because even though I made the call and feel much better, somehow it feels like cheating that I didn't wallow in it and see the process through.