I have thoughts yet not really informed enough as to what happens....is it just that he does not initiate...that upsets you?.....If you initiate sex does he then participate?...you say he is inactive...does he have perchance body issues that make HIM uncomfortable baring himself...when you do have sex is it mutually satisfying?.....is your husband on medication of some sort that may make him not able to perform?.....there are sooooo many things that can be involved about sexual conflict...that actually have nothing to do with sex....and anger is not about anger either....it is often the emotion we choose to exhibit to cover up tremendous hurt....it isn't really anger at all....

I have a brain injury...I could absolutely care less about sex.....something is broken in that signal department....yet I know that my fellow is rather fond of it...so...I am the one who initiates sex....each and every time...and I do that for him....because I love him.....there are so many ways of giving pleasure to a mate....

Is your husband really withholding sex to emotionally torture you...or has it become so weighted down by other things that it is the line in the sand....if you are in a rage that isn't the moment it is going to happen....are there times when you could have an actual conversation about how you feel....when neither one of you are in a turmoil......It was something I really had to learn....how to pick the moments for conversations that were not entangled by other emotions that stopped my fellow from being able to actually hear and take in what I wanted to say....especially if it is a conversation about something we are both charged up about....

Do you REALLY want a divorce from your husband or is it that feeling of the moment when you are angry and you act out because you want him to hurt like you are hurting...Sometimes when I get very emotional....I will go and sit and become very still...breathe...and really examine what I am feeling...let myself feel the hurt...frustration...embarrassment...rage....what ever the emotion is...and see if it is truly the core factor in what I am feeling....also sometimes I write a letter to my husband...as then I can say what I need to...and sit with that a while...and it is easier for him to take in...as we are not interrupting and trying to speak over each other...

I shouted out loud in my house the other day...I want a divorce....and then realized no I don't...I wanted something to be different in my marriage...it really didn't have anything to do with me wanting a divorce....

One of my councilors told me to ask my self questions when I was upset...would I be better off...if this....or that...actually happened the way I thought I wanted something to occur in my head......Would you be better off....happier...if you did divorce your husband..?...for me...sex isn't the biggest thing in my marriage....companionship...affection...love....I would rather laugh with my fellow than actually have sex....and oh my gosh can he make me laugh...yet because of my issue....not his....I am the one who initiates sex with my fellow...it is something I offer out of my own awareness...of the difficulty I place in that exchange....

I studied sex...because I wanted to give beyond what I felt I lacked in the desire department...I interviewed sex workers...gay men...I read everything I could...learning about bringing pleasure to a man that I could...and put it into practice...I used to tell my one sister...don't withhold sex as punishment....for what ever reason.......instead give him the absolute best sex he is ever going to get anywhere....men grow love out of the physical act...women it is in their mind....if the goal is to make him as happy as he can be sexually...you will reap the benefit of that always....

I have rambled on....just wishing to to offer other thoughts...or ways of looking at something...20 years is a long time to be with someone....there are always ebbs and flows...in relationships....I have been married for 30 years....sometimes I want to stick my fellows head in a bucket and hit it with a stick....and then moments later...I couldn't image why I would think to do that....nothing stays the same....everything changes...

I hope you can find peace....and really settle into your heart in comfort with what you decide....it is always a good thing to talk with someone...