Today i've found working more relaxing than being home... Maybe cause then i didnt have much time to think or feel anything.

At home, my mom has stepped back a little, without any apparent reason. This confused me. Made me wonder if she did it in purpose or not and what she really feels and wants and made me really think and wonder what happens in her head and heart...

I missed some things i used to take for granted... Made me wonder if i dont appreciated them enough and its good to realize they're not to take for granted and to see what i will one day miss for sure. It is a bit (quite a lot) painful too... but it made me feel closer... Funny how a step back makes me feel closer... Maybe again cause i want what i dont have and dont want what i do have...

And it also made me wonder what is this emotional independence and freedom i so desperately want to achieve? Do i really want it? Wouldnt then i feel sad, alone, lost and abandoned? Do i really want not to have anyone to account for anything?

I guess, what i really want, is a way to avoid all of this. The future. I dont want it. It feels exhausting only thinking about it. And I'm already really really tired.