MC again today (back to our regular slot). Pretty relaxed session. Talked about some stuff with the dog we're adopting Thursday, including how my mom reacted when I told her. (Me: We're getting a dog. My mom: Why? Me: Because we want to!) MC made an interesting point. He mentioned the sense he got of how my house was growing up (he gave a more extreme version of it). And that he got the sense H and I are trying to make a very different environment for our house and our daughter. So the fact that my mom seems against us getting a dog (or doesn't understand why we'd want one) could actually be a positive thing. Which made me think...

I was commenting on how sometimes I tend to keep things from someone if I'm afraid they'll react negatively (like my mom)--then quickly turned to H and was like, "I'm not keeping anything from you right now!" H joked, "What this you were saying about getting a dog?" I said, "Yeah, you probably wondered what was up with the collars and leashes and crate." H said, "Well, the collar seemed a little small for me, but if that's what you're into..." Then I said to H, "OK, now get into the crate!" MC said, "You know I'm still in the room, right?" We all laughed, and I know my face was red..

Some more stuff came up about my mom and her not trusting me to handle things on my own, like paying some taxes on time (I do freelance work and have to pay some taxes quarterly because they're not taken out of my paycheck). It was an insight I had after last week's session, where MC was talking about having his son ski 10 feet down to him. I said how it's like my parents didn't teach me so much to do things on my own or to suggest they thought I could handle them. MC agreed, saying that, say, my mom checking in on whether I'd paid the taxes suggests she thinks I can't manage on my own.

And he wondered, when H made certain comments about, say, cleaning the house, if I felt that he was being like her, suggesting I couldn't handle it. Or like with the dog. H said he could see that in certain situations, and I agreed. I said it also made me almost want to resist doing it. We discussed that a little more.

Was near end of session and I brought up my appointment with potential new T (PNT) tomorrow. I said how my potentially former T had offered to talk to him, to give him some background on me, and that I assumed MC would be willing to do the same. But I said I was kind of reluctant to do that, how I sort of wanted PNT to form his own opinion of me. But was it weird if I was unsure I wanted that?

MC said it would make sense to explore (I think with PNT) *why* I might not want him to talk to sorta current T. Because there's probably something behind that, maybe beyond my wanting him to come to his own conclusions. I said he was probably right...

I then said that I was pretty open with him on the intake form, but worried I was saying too much at first, since I mentioned the transference and stuff. MC said he'd be more concerned at a client who was holding stuff back. But that it could be weird if I shared *everything* at once, like just blurted everything out, say.

I said that, OK, what I was really worried about is that a big part of why I'm seeing him is to deal with the transference and attachment. And I'm afraid he'd hear that and think, "Oh, no, she's attached to another male therapist, now she's going to get attached to me--run away!" MC said, but it's not like I get attached to all males. I was like, "No, I mean, I've seen other male T's and not gotten attached to them. Not sure if you should take that as a compliment or a negative thing." MC replied, "Well, I was going to take it as a compliment until you said that!"

He said all this sounds more like PNT is interviewing me, instead of the other way around. I said I realized that...and I guessed it should be more my figuring out if he'd be a good fit for me. MC agreed. He also said that if for whatever reason PNT thought he couldn't work with me/would be a bad fit, it probably has nothing to do with me as a person. How he's had maybe 4 potential clients that he said he couldn't work with (and told them this quickly)--one who had known his wife in the past and a few that reminded him too much of particular relatives, so he didn't know if he could treat them objectively. That T's should be self-aware enough to realize that they would be a bad fit for someone. But to remember it's not personal. I said I understood that.

There were a few other stories (from H and MC) and joking-around things that I won't go into here, which put us at like 10-15 minutes over. Then he confirmed next Monday, did the handshake, "Good to see you," thing, then walked us out. He seemed to be looking for his next client, who wasn't there, so he said "Take care." I turned back to him, and said "You too" while giving a little wave. Then got in car and...was OK! Didn't cry or anything (not during session either). Could have been that the session was less heavy, could have been because we'd just seen him Thursday, but thinking it's a good thing...

Stay tuned tomorrow where I will continue my thread-spamming with a writeup of PNT session...