Intense and triggering session today. Overwhelming, really. TW for mention of questions (but not actions) related to CSA. ETA: and TW for strong words said by a T that might be difficult for some to read.

It started off innocently enough. I admitted I was feeling guarded -- that's why I was laughing at things that weren't actually funny. Our conversation suddenly led in to my remembering that, this Saturday, at my cousin's wedding, I had been really really uncomfortable because of my grandfather. He's just very physical in ways I do not like but are not necessarily "wrong" ... I had to put my foot down though on forcing my daughter to be held or anything. I do not force her to make physical contact with anyone. Ever. It felt pretty good to have the guts to say that to my grandfather, who is quite intimidating.

In any case, throughout the course of talking about it, I felt myself getting more and more upset and anxious. And then C asked me outright about potential CSA from my grandfather. I swear...it was like an electric shock hit my brain. I literally jolted and stammered and was dizzy. From that point on, I was in total shut-down-to-protect-self mode. I kept spacing out, and I was really anxious...having trouble staying in the room.

Edit to Add: I should add that the answer is -- none that I recall, no.

C said some really really powerful things... such as "If I were your father, I would have protected you from xyz." And many mentions of feeling deeply protective of me, angry at what had taken place at the wedding and in other scenarios... he said things like "Someone wasn't there to protect you when they should have been" about my childhood. Oddly enough, I had literally no physical/emotional response to any of this. I simply couldn't. I was too shaken by the conversation about my grandfather. (I told C this, which was good. I was able to tell him that I was really upset. I also caved and grabbed a pillow he keeps in the room and hugged it for the rest of the session after the grandfather question. I was just not ok.)

After session, I emailed C immediately, worried that my lack of response to his words would make him think I didn't like them or want to hear them, and that he would stop saying things like that. Explained my old plant analogy ("It's like I'm a dry, withered up plant, and you dumped a lot of water on me all at once...there's no way I can absorb it all.")

I was very grateful that he sent back and instant response letting me know we were ok and that all he wanted was to protect and take care of me.

These things that he says. They are such powerful words... they hit me hard in a very vulnerable spot (but one that is also really really guarded and protected). It goes beyond what I had with S... it does. S said he cared about me, that he was angry about things that had happened to me, but never did he so directly address the lack of protection and safety...or the desire to provide it.

Rational me knows that C cannot provide the protection and safety that a child gets from its real parents. So, I'm not really sure even HOW to receive these things... I do not want to fall into some delusion/fantasy of C protecting and taking care of me in vulnerable, vital ways that I wish I'd had as a child...and that I still fantasize about. Because, the reality is, I am an adult, and I have to protect and take care of myself. Falling into the fantasy that S could provide me with protection and could take care of me like I wished so badly someone had done/would do...is, I believe....exactly what led to my getting so deeply hurt in such a vulnerable place.