I understand the appeal but the drinking is making you disappointed in yourself and is therefore not therapeutic for you. Drinking was very helpful for me....it could lift my spirits, give me energy, pain relief and sometimes felt like a one man party in a bottle........but when depressed or too low, it can make things sooooo dangerous. A depressed person is one thing.....a depressed drunk person who ruminates on self loathing is a recipe for disaster. Please be safe. I'm sickened they took your benzos away cold turkey......it should be considered negligence and be a punishable crime from where I stand! I'm sorry you are suffering so badly.