Hi

So here's what I got from reading your post, and this is just me taking the liberty of reading between the lines.

I think that you spend a lot of time thinking about what your life should be like and who you should be, and very little time thinking about what you WANT your life to be like and who you WANT to be.

I don't know if you are "depressed" or not, and I don't think it matters either way.

I do think you are clearly suffering, and that does matter a lot. And it seems like you've been asking the question a lot, "Why am I suffering?" And so far that's not really providing you with any answers. Just asking yourself that question seems to be increasing your suffering a lot.

So let's stop asking that question for a little while and start asking a different question.

Maybe instead of asking "how dare i suffer", ask "what lights me up?"

Happiness and peace isn't just the default state of humanity. I made the mistake of believing that as well. When I got to adulthood and I wasn't just happy all the time even though on paper my life looked fine, I really wondered what the problem was. The problem was that I never learned happiness. It's a skill. So I had to teach myself and I believe you can teach yourself too.

I did it by assessing my belief system. Taking stock of what I believed about the world and noticing which beliefs made me suffer. Then I questioned those beliefs and thoughts with Inquiry which is a simple process you can find at The Work | The Work of Byron Katie

Then I decided what I wanted happiness to look like in my life, and I started working for it, mentally. I made a conscious effort each day to look for the goodness in life. I also had very low self esteem. So each day I forced myself to write down one thing that I liked about myself. I forced myself to write down something I was excited about and something I wished was true about the world. I kept a log of gratitude and beauty and humor in each day. This article walks you through it. A Good Life Discovered: Bullet Journal for Joy - Winterbritt

You seem like you really want to find peace and joy and purpose in life, and I really believe that you can. I think you just have to do it on purpose. And I believe that these steps above really really work.

You can keep asking yourself forever why you aren't happy and you'll just feel more and more broken. Or you can start building happiness. You can pm me if you like and I would be so happy to do anything I can to help.