Quote:
Originally Posted by Bill3
The poster Divine1966 here shared a really helpful term: the unhealthy familiar. We are attracted to the familiar, to what we are used to. If the familiar is unhealthy, then we are attracted, drawn to something unhealthy.
So with you (I'm sorry that I did not realize that you are a teenager), I am wondering if you have had a lot of experience, both recently and in childhood, with people ignoring you, putting you down, and so that has become familiar to you--so familiar that it exerts a sort of perverse gravity on you and attracts you to more of it. How well does that resonate with your experience growing up and recently?
Often when people have difficulty expressing what they want it is because, in the past, especially in childhood, expressing what they wanted was viewed as a negative and they were criticized or punished for it. That is exactly what happened to me, and for many years, until i went to therapy, I had extreme difficulty asking for what I wanted. For example, I used to have trouble even asking people to pass me food at dinner. I usually couldn't manage it and I would take whatever was being passed around and never ask for anything that I myself wanted.
What do you think? How well does that line of thinking fit with your experience?
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That exactly fits my experience. I was almost always ignored and put down and still often am, especially in elementary school and middle school. Sometimes even my own mother will ignore me if I talk about something I want or am interested in.
Also, I was often punished for asking for what I want. My mom often volunteers me for things I don't want to do, for example: taking my cousin back home when it is out of my way and his parents are just going to a store for one quick thing. I don't like this cousin one bit as he often thinks he can tell me what to do (I am the second oldest in grandchildren on my mom's side at 19, almost 20, and he is only 14). If I said no, she looks at me like I'm a bad person. She put me in this situation even when I was younger.
Come to think of it, when you mention the unhealthy familiar, whenever I find a friend who actually cares and listens to me when I talk about what I want to, it feels strange but good. The most person in my life that is like that is a friend from my old college (I am a transfer student) and is often busy but we talk when we can. Just to show how caring she is, she will go out of her way to call me late at night if I need someone to talk to. I don't force her to or anything like that, I'm not that type of person. Some nights, she comes back to her dorm at 5, goes to do errands and homework until about 10. If I tell her something bad that happened during my day, she will call as soon as she is done with everything.
I suppose she is the one who is making me want to change, striving for more friends like her. She made me realize that not all people are the same.