(((hugs)))) Do you have a therapist? Abuse eats away at our self esteem even more, and it gets worse over time. Seems you could use some therapy to help you work on your self esteem and to help you get out of this abusive relationship.

Being alone after 17 years... yes, I can imagine it's very scary, but as someone else said above, don't worry about finding someone else right now. The most important thing is to stop accepting the abuse, get out of the relationship, take care of yourself, protect yourself and work towards healing YOU. Please believe that you will be OK and just fine on your own if you leave. (((more hugs)))