It was an awesome session.
We started off talking about him saying "time to stop" at the end of last session. He reminded me that just prior to that, we had been talking about setting boundaries with regard to my first therapist and then I had said "of course, we have that kind of relationship too". So it was like we were both reasserting boundaries on an unconscious level.
We talked about how I like to maintain firm boundaries and I like to be in control of them. T said in his experience the client can explore their feelings and fantasies freely and his job as therapist is to contain that and maintain those boundaries. I said "but I tried that and that's not what happened". (in reference to a rupture we had a while ago where I tried to explore my fantasies about him and the relationship and he shut the conversation down). He asked if since then I felt like I had to contain things and I said yes, exactly.
I said that my love feelings for him grew in intensity when I felt less secure around the rupture. He paused and said he noticed that that correlation raised some anxiety in him.
He asked whether I related that to my childhood and I said "Yes it relates to my childhood. Is that more comfortable to talk about?". He smiled and looked at me. It felt really intense and overwhelming. I said to him that it felt intense and he nodded. I said I challenged you to come into the here and now and when you did I felt scared. I was scared to talk about the here and now feelings.
I told him a little about the ET feelings and young feelings and he was very validating and kind.
Afterwards he said "You're very courageous sometimes, you know. I'm impressed". I said thank you.
Then we hugged and I said "Thank you for being safe" and he squeezed me tight. It felt great.
I love him so much.