I honestly don't know why I can't sleep.. I'm so exhausted and have got such a massive sleep debt from the last 10+ years, but I just keep adding to it by staying awake till the early hours of the morning. Even if I'm practically falling asleep where I sit, I try to stay awake for as long as possible..

I'm listening now to what it is I'm feeling.. Absolute terror. I'm sure I'm going to die! I believe this is really how I felt as a kid.. My dad was so scary. And I feel I don't want to go to sleep because then someone can hurt me.. They can sneak up on me and I won't know it..

But now, things are different.. I'm not living with my dad anymore. I don't have to be scared of him unless he's present. I can relax and rest.. Finally, I can rest..!!

I still have some fear of people breaking into my home, especially at night, but that's different, and no one has, ever.. Now, I'm just letting go of my fear of dad.. Instead of letting him rule my life forever.. Because he's not here anymore!!!

Now I also realize I need to let go of the wish that my mom would see me with my fear, would hear me, notice me and be with me.. It didn't happen.

Now, that time in my life is over..!!! And I'm glad I made it out of there